Last night I cried myself to sleep.
I share this to convey the cyclical nature of change. The ebb and flow. The expansion and contraction. The healing journey.
Our emotions speak to us. When they want to come forth you can be sure there is a reason. Even if it doesn’t make sense in the moment. Even if you are surrounded by people or in the fetal position on your bed hugging a pillow.
Processing our emotions is part of the human experience and dare I say makes us human.
Last night I allowed the healing waters to flow. In those tears, I was transported back to childhood. A time and a place where I felt the same way I was feeling.
So much of what we feel is tied to a distant place and time. One where we didn’t know what we know now. One where we trusted all who were around us to ‘speak’ the truth. A place where the messages were imbedded and became our operating program.
Yesterday I went to a beautiful woman’s circle for sharing. It was a wonderful 3 ½ hours of bearing witness and being heard. As the ceremony was closing, we were reminded to be gentle with ourselves as we had done some release. I left feeling expanded.
When I got home, I sat in the living room to do a little work on a course I am creating. 2 hours went by. As I sat at the dining table eating dinner alone, even though I don’t live alone, the emotions started to bubble up. The contractions had started.
I made it 11 days since coming back from Costa Rica before I broke down. Those 15 days in CR were filled with lots of shared meals, lots of heart to heart conversations, lots of deep shadow work, lots of holding space for others, lots of having space held for me and lots of beauty from Mother Earth and the souls who traversed that shamanic journey with me.
Such a clear expression of duality. 15 days of overwhelming heart expansion lead by 11 days of overwhelming heart contraction.
Last night’s contraction reminded me of being little and eating alone, swimming alone, entertaining myself while my dad was “checked out” in bed. It reminded me of riding my bike alone, flying a kite alone, catching tadpoles alone, garage sale “shopping” alone, crying in my backyard alone. I spent a lot of time alone. It was my normal. I didn’t know any different.
The beauty is I don’t mind being alone.
Granted, the flip side is, when in a relationship I don’t want to be alone. So I have had to do my work to get past some of the co-dependency tendencies I engaged in within the marriage with my ex and have spent this year really seeing where I still fall into that co-dependency coping mechanism.
But what times like Costa Rica and Peru have shown me, I crave deep meaningful conversations & shared meals. That is not a co-dependent “need” but a soul desire. It is part of the expansion, the human evolution. To share life in fullness of self. And it is exactly why I am focused on expanding my 2021 intuitively guided creation (aka company) for 2025.
So……
I will continue to ask myself the hard questions.
I will allow the emotions to flow.
I will ride the waves of uncertainty.
I will mine the gold to become the fullest version of me.
I will find gratitude in the full journey.
I will walk the spiral path knowing that each time around is divinely timed.
I will remain on the shamanic path, a wounded healer’s journey.
For whether I am alone or standing in front of millions of people, sharing life in fullness of self from an open heart is my calling.